he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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