i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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