Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
