the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
