apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
