thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
