I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
