her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I supernannyed him into submission
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
