I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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