How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Someone came in the potted fern
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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