I accidentally had phone sex last night
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
