Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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