I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
