Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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