we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
