i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
