Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
