It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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