First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
