Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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