Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
There's always time for handjobs
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
