first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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