I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
