used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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