That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
