you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
