just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
