We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
