What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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