He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
