we made out on top of his cat.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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