If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
