The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
