i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
false alarm, still single
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
