don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
