You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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