That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
