Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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