theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
