Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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