No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
