Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
