I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
