textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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