My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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