3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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