My girlfriend figured out who you are.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
