i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
