My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
