The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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