She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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