At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
